Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Weight of the World

I disappeared, I know.

In the last 90 days our church finished remodeling and we entered our new technologically upgraded sanctuary, the responsibilities of which I am still trying to get a grasp on as the Technology Minister. In less than 30 days we are opening a second campus; more construction, new technology, more volunteers, nearly double the workload. Toss in 3 trips, four visits from relatives, a job change for my husband and the news that one of my good friends is moving away and you get the highlights of what has been occupying my brain for the past few months.

If you dig deeper, you might see some other stuff going on; depression, some exhaustion and a lot of scrambling. My husband has been teasing me that I am going through a quarter-life crisis and as funny as he thinks that is, I am not so sure he is off track. I’ve been feeling very stifled lately like something in my life isn’t right. I’ve prayed about it, I’ve thought about it and I’ve even talked about it with the people close to me but nothing seems to alleviate the suffocated feeling. Most tell me it is just a phase or that the feeling will pass once work stabilizes but somehow comments like that make things feel worse, not better. I can’t shake the feeling that it is not situational or temporary and I feel helpless to solve it.

On the other side, this phase has made me more nostalgic, it forces me to consider every action (because I don’t want anyone to know how I feel) and it makes me more intentional with everything that I say and do because I don't want to cheating everyone out of the joyful me. It is not like my life can stop because I don’t feel right; I still have to work, I am still a friend, a wife and a mommy, I just have to work twice as hard to be that person. I know this isn’t uncommon and I can’t help but wonder who else secretly feels this way. I am not really looking for an answer, more just putting it out there and wondering who else is walking around with the weight of the world on their shoulders.


Anonymous said...

I've often (more so recently) thought "maybe I suffer from depression"... or "maybe there's just something wrong with me"...

last night around midnight i had a very restless feeling... I couldn't figure it out. I was fine all night then suddenly as i spoke to my husband I thought--nothing I am doing is worthwhile. What am I really doing with my life? Why am I 28 and still haven't figured things out?

My mind is constantly filled with "what-ifs", and "whys"... Things just don't seem right.

I'm not sure if what I'm feeling is what you're feeling... but I can at least semi-relate to what you wrote.

When I talk to close friends about it they don't really seem to understand and give me some well-intentioned but, to me, unhelpful comments...

You are in my prayers.


Anonymous said...

Meggie, you will be in ALL my prayers. I hurt because you are hurting, I have been there before. It is a terrible, sinking, hopeless feeling that is hard to come out of. I can offer that you listen to your heart and continually pray for relief and healing. Sometimes these feelings are not situational and you need to talk to someone about it. Would love to visit with you in person some time when you feel like it. I love you Sister.

Alison said...

I walk in those shoes very often also. Sometimes I just need to cry or hide or just something, but don't have the opportunity to do so, due to the fact of having to work, be a mom, be a homemaker, etc. but instead have that feeling of putting on my “happy” face. Ginger once told me, back when I was younger, and I will never forget this conversation, "Life is like a roller coaster and no matter how far down you go you always will go back up". When I get down, I always think back to this true statement and sometimes it gives me that strength to lift my chin a little higher and the hope that it will get better. You are not alone.

Sarah Mae said...

You nailed it! I have often written things that I then want to hide because I don't want anyone to know how I'm really feeling. If people knew, maybe they'd think I wasn't really a Christian. Thanks for putting it to words.