Weight of the World

I disappeared, I know.

In the last 90 days our church finished remodeling and we entered our new technologically upgraded sanctuary, the responsibilities of which I am still trying to get a grasp on as the Technology Minister. In less than 30 days we are opening a second campus; more construction, new technology, more volunteers, nearly double the workload. Toss in 3 trips, four visits from relatives, a job change for my husband and the news that one of my good friends is moving away and you get the highlights of what has been occupying my brain for the past few months.

If you dig deeper, you might see some other stuff going on; depression, some exhaustion and a lot of scrambling. My husband has been teasing me that I am going through a quarter-life crisis and as funny as he thinks that is, I am not so sure he is off track. I’ve been feeling very stifled lately like something in my life isn’t right. I’ve prayed about it, I’ve thought about it and I’ve even talked about it with the people close to me but nothing seems to alleviate the suffocated feeling. Most tell me it is just a phase or that the feeling will pass once work stabilizes but somehow comments like that make things feel worse, not better. I can’t shake the feeling that it is not situational or temporary and I feel helpless to solve it.

On the other side, this phase has made me more nostalgic, it forces me to consider every action (because I don’t want anyone to know how I feel) and it makes me more intentional with everything that I say and do because I don't want to cheating everyone out of the joyful me. It is not like my life can stop because I don’t feel right; I still have to work, I am still a friend, a wife and a mommy, I just have to work twice as hard to be that person. I know this isn’t uncommon and I can’t help but wonder who else secretly feels this way. I am not really looking for an answer, more just putting it out there and wondering who else is walking around with the weight of the world on their shoulders.

Under A Cloud

I've struggled with depression most of my life. As I felt the gloom return three months ago I thought it was just a bi-product of weaning my little guy, but as each day went by the gloom just kept getting darker. When I was at work I felt guilty because I was not home with my son; when I was at home I was distracted because I felt like I should be working. I examined every part of my life that seemed unruly. I cleaned out all of the closets and had a garage sale; I reworked our budget and focused on getting out from under the hospital bills. I buckled down at work and forced projects that were in limbo; I examined my prayer life and made a conscious effort to look to him and not me, and I "cast my cares" on him, but it wasn't worry that kept me up, it was the ick that I felt in my chest, the ever present sense of ache that wouldn't go away. I could go on and on about pressure, obligations, and guilt that I felt but they were just symptoms because every time the problem was pinpointed, I would take care of it and something else would come to light.

I would imagine that most would be surprised at how often I feel this way because I am really good at faking it, when I need to, but then I "crash" when I am alone. I know I could have probably popped a pill and felt a lot better but I resisted the solution at first because in some ways depression feels like home to me and that doesn't even make sense. So here I am, on the other side, looking back at the situation, unable to pinpoint what brought me out of the darkness, making it a clear case of intervention by my Heavenly Father.

Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.
Psalm 42:11

Your thoughts?