I've struggled with depression most of my life. As I felt the gloom return three months ago I thought it was just a bi-product of weaning my little guy, but as each day went by the gloom just kept getting darker. When I was at work I felt guilty because I was not home with my son; when I was at home I was distracted because I felt like I should be working. I examined every part of my life that seemed unruly. I cleaned out all of the closets and had a garage sale; I reworked our budget and focused on getting out from under the hospital bills. I buckled down at work and forced projects that were in limbo; I examined my prayer life and made a conscious effort to look to him and not me, and I "cast my cares" on him, but it wasn't worry that kept me up, it was the ick that I felt in my chest, the ever present sense of ache that wouldn't go away. I could go on and on about pressure, obligations, and guilt that I felt but they were just symptoms because every time the problem was pinpointed, I would take care of it and something else would come to light.I would imagine that most would be surprised at how often I feel this way because I am really good at faking it, when I need to, but then I "crash" when I am alone. I know I could have probably popped a pill and felt a lot better but I resisted the solution at first because in some ways depression feels like home to me and that doesn't even make sense. So here I am, on the other side, looking back at the situation, unable to pinpoint what brought me out of the darkness, making it a clear case of intervention by my Heavenly Father.
Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.
Psalm 42:11
Psalm 42:11
Your thoughts?
2 comments:
Oh wow. I can understand this so much. I've suffered from depression almost my entire life. Sometimes it feels like it's gone forever, and then it taps me on the shoulder like an old friend and holds me so tight that I can't breathe. I empathize with you when you say that it almost feels like home. When that's all you know for so long, you may not like it, but you know it and somehow connect with it in a sick way. You're a wonderful woman, and I appreciate you being in my life, even if it's on a computer screen and not face to face.
Just remember that when you're alone, and you crash, you're not alone, God is there to hold you and love you with everything He is, even if it doesn't feel like it at the time. God bless you. *hugs*
Meagan, I feel like I've suffered from depression for years. I've never been officially "diagnosed" but I have moments of wanting to hole up in my room and never come out. Others try to reach out but I feel like clinging on to the state I am currently in--not allowing anyone to help get me out.
I always feel like there's a way I can get myself out of the funk... but never seem able to do it myself. Thanks for sharing your thoughts -- I sometimes feel like depression is a bad word and it's something that you can't share with anyone... it's good to know there are godly women who experience the same thing and have God helping them through.
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