The Compromise

For my five year wedding anniversary my sweet husband took me out to dinner at my favorite restaurant, The Melting Pot, for a long leisurely evening of eating, snuggling and talking in a private booth, just the two of us. Admittedly, during our first year of marriage I probably would have scoffed at the romantic nature of something so simple, but as life has become busy and chaotic, I find just having his undivided attention both extremely satisfying and incredibly romantic.

I love the Melting Pot, or any fondue restaurant for that matter, because there is something so fun and intimate about cooking your food at your table. We had a wonderful waiter who made great recommendations and was very friendly. Towards the end of the evening, as he was setting up our dessert tray, he asked us what we were celebrating and when we told him we were celebrating five years of marriage he went on and on about what an accomplishment it was and how amazing it was and commented on what a "long time it was". As he walked away my husband and I looked at each other with puzzled looks on our faces, "Is he for real?" my husband asked, "Five years is long term? That is sad."

I’ve been thinking back to that conversation for a couple of months now pausing mostly on the little things that help make a marriage work. Sidestepping what I think are the real and obvious reasons (as covered in the previous 3 posts) I’d like to focus on the little compromises that keep marriage pleasant, exciting and interesting.

Generally speaking, my husband and I are really well suited for each other; our gifts compliment each other’s gifts, our strengths and weaknesses play off of each other (in a good way), and we are generally interested in all of the same things. There is however, one area where we completely disagree in all aspects; Christmas. I was raised in a ‘celebrate Christmas morning’ household while he was raised in a ‘celebrate Christmas Eve’ household and the disagreements only begin there. One of the bigger issues so far has been the Christmas tree because we both have very different ideas on how the tree should look and neither of was willing to compromise. Fortunately, we were given a beautiful hand-me-down tree from a co-worker whose family had outgrown it and as a result we implemented the ‘two-tree Christmas’ tradition in our household. Starting last Christmas we began decorating two trees; one large tree full of beautiful delicate glass ornaments, bright twinkly white lights and oversized velvet bows in the main room of our house and a smaller, more rustic tree with whimsical handmade ornaments, candy-canes and big old-fashioned multicolored bulbs in the den of our house. Frivolous you say? Necessary, I reply. You can’t begin to imagine the stress the ‘two-tree’ system has taken off of our household and the ways in which it has encouraged us to both continue our family traditions and begin our own family traditions.

It is my hope that as we approach the next five years that we attempt to do so with a little patience, compromise and a sense of adventure. How do you keep things interesting?

Secrets (Part Three)

The third secret that my dear sweet friend shared with me was this, “You will never fully understand your spouse.” He winked as he continued, “ I have been married more years than not and to this day I still don’t understand what her fascination is with shopping but I always go with her and help her pick things out and spend that time supporting her, even though I don’t understand it. I make the choice to be happy because she is happy and because of that I don’t have to understand her, I just get to enjoy her.”

This past week my husband and I both had two consecutive days off at the same time, something that happens very rarely because of his schedule at the fire station. We probably could have taken a trip out of town or done something outside of our normal scope of activities but instead we decided to fill the weekend with things we love to do as a family. Friday we slept late, made a big breakfast, and then took our little guy to a preview Gymboree class, followed by an afternoon at the State Fair. Saturday morning we slept late again, had brunch together and then all headed out to Build-A-Bear to build a puppy dog for my son’s upcoming birthday. That afternoon we all took a nap together and then dropped the little guy off at his Nana’s so my husband and I could head out to Six Flags for one of the last nights of Fright Fest.

I look back on the weekend and know that the memories we formed as a family will stick with me for a very long time. Admittedly, if I had planned the weekend for myself, the agenda would have looked very different but I planned the weekend to be filled with things that I knew my husband would enjoy because I realize that seeing him happy makes me happy. I may have gotten it right this time but if I am honest with myself I have to confess that most times I am more concerned with my own agenda than I am with making my husband happy. Oh how blessed I am to having living examples of the kind of spouse I want to be.

What lessons have you learned from marriage, veterans?

Secrets (Part Two)

Admittedly, I don’t find much opportunity to sit in the presence of people from whom I can glean much wisdom so when the unexpected opportunity to question a man approaching his 65th wedding anniversary dropped in my lap I leapt at the opportunity to learn. Although our conversation was short and amidst a bustling room full of people, it was as though all background noise faded out as he gently shared what he considered the three most important lessons necessary to a happy, successful marriage.

I leaned in to hear the soft voice of the man sharing wisdom gained from a lifetime of happy marriage as he spelled out lesson number two. “Learn never to take your spouse for granted.” He said softly. “My wife and I work on our marriage every single day. The day that you stop considering your spouse, stop working at your marriage or fall into habit is the day you start down the path to divorce, so every day I try to think of ways that I can show her that I appreciate her and support her.”

My husband and I had some pretty rough patches the first two years of our marriage, so rough in fact that we actually talked about the big ‘d’ word. By the grace of God, we were renewed in our purpose to create a marriage that honored God and as a result just recently celebrated our fifth wedding anniversary. There was a point shortly after we decided to give our marriage back over to God that I began asking my husband, “How can I be a better wife?” At first the question annoyed him and he blew me off with silly or irrelevant answers but the more I persisted the more honest he became, thinking that the honesty would make me stop asking the question. Boy was he surprised when I actually started making changes as a result of the things he shared! That question is now something that we ask each other all the time and while neither of us particularly enjoys some of the answers, it is amazing the way a little honesty and consideration has changed the face of our marriage. The most sobering part is that the question can never fully be answered because there is always something to work on.

I am by no means an expert at marriage but hearing a gentle reminder from a “veteran” that marriage takes constant work reminds me that my marriage is no more perfect than I am. One of my favorite recording artists, Sara Groves, recently released a beautiful song entitled "Loving A Person" that I think is worth listening to. I've provided a link to the song (worth the download) and the lyrics to get you thinking...

Loving A Person by Sara Groves

Loving a person just the way they are, it's no small thing
It takes some time to see things through
Sometimes things change, sometimes we're waiting
We need grace either way

Hold on to me
I'll hold on to you
Let's find out the beauty of seeing things through

There's a lot of pain in reaching out and trying
It's a vulnerable place to be
Love and pride can't occupy the same spaces baby
Only one makes you free

Hold on to me
I'll hold on to you
Let's find out the beauty of seeing things through

If we go looking for offense
We're going to find it
If we go looking for real love
We're going to find it

Sara Groves, Add To The Beauty

How do you avoid falling into habit?

Secrets (Part One)

Just this past weekend I had a very interesting conversation with an older gentleman at our church who is getting ready to celebrate his 65th wedding anniversary. Sixty five years; more than twice as long as I have been alive. Although our conversation was brief, I thoroughly enjoyed talking with him and watching his facial expressions as he reminisced and retold the story of how he and his wife met and fell in love. When I asked him the secret to a long-lasting love-filled marriage he told me that there are three secrets to a successful marriage and for the next three blogs I am going to talk a bit about each secret that he shared.

The first secret this dear, sweet, man shared with me is learning to wake up every single day and decide to love your spouse and show them that you love them in everything that you do. He explained, "My wife and I held hands on our first date and we've never stopped holding hands; I hold her hand every chance I get and fall asleep every night with her hand in mine." It sounds simple but when he finished our conversation he walked over to his wife and took her hand in his as they walked away and I realized how the profound effect something so simple could have on a relationship spanning more than six decades. I am keenly aware at how important the little things are to keeping a marriage alive, the looks, the glances, the laughs, the flirting, and the shared experiences that connect you together every single day. As I reflect on the little things in my marriage I am reminded of the hand-binding ceremony my husband I participated in during our wedding vows which I will share with you now. It is my prayer that sharing these tender words with you will help you appreciate the little things in your relationship as they have reminded me to do so in mine.

Meagan, these are the hands of your best friend, young and strong and vibrant with love; they are holding yours on your wedding day, as he promises to love you all the days of his life. These are the hands that will work alongside yours as together you build your future, as you laugh and cry, as you share innermost secrets and dreams. These are the hands you will place with expectant joy against your stomach, until he too, feels his child stir within you. These are the hands that look so large and strong, yet will be so gentle as he holds your baby for the first time. These are the hands that will passionately love you and cherish you through the years, for a lifetime of happiness. These are the hands that countless times will wipe tears from your eyes, tears of sorrow and tears of joy. These are the hands that will comfort you in illness, and hold you when fear and grief wrack your mind. These are the hands that will tenderly lift your chin and brush your cheek as they raise your face to look into his eyes, eyes that are filled completely with his overwhelming love and desire for you.

God bless these hands that you see before you. Give them the strength to hold on during the storms of stress and the dark of disillusionment. Keep them tender and gentle as they nurture you in their wondrous love.

Travis, these are the hands of your best friend, smooth, young and carefree; they are holding yours on your wedding day as she pledges her love and commitment to you all the days of her life. These are the hands that will give support as she encourages you to chase your dreams and that will massage tension from your neck and back in the evenings after you have both had a long, hard day. These are the hands that will hold you tight as you struggle through difficult times. These are the hands that will comfort you when you are sick or console you when you are grieving. These are the hands that will hold you in joy and excitement and hope, each time she tells you that you are to have another child, as together you create new life. These are the hands that will hold each child in tender love, soothing them through illness and hurt, supporting and encouraging them along the way and knowing when it is time to let go. These are the hands that will passionately love you and cherish you through the years for a lifetime of happiness.

God, bless these hands that you see before you. Give them the strength to hold on during the storms of stress and the dark of disillusionment. Keep them tender and gentle as they nurture you in their wondrous love.

What are your "little things"?